May they slide into a career as easily as they slide into the pool at Sesame Place.

Over the weekend I had the pleasure of reading an excerpt from Tina Fey’s new book, Bossypants, which was posted all over my Facebook network. Part of a blog post from Baby Meets City, the excerpt was a beautiful, touching, funny poem called The Mother’s Prayer for its Daughter. I read through it alternating between laughter and tears. I stopped for a moment when I read the following lines:

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes. And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

I think about this, too. What will my girls grow up to be? Little Girl is too little to think about it yet, but Big Girl has given the topic as much thought as a seven-year-old can. Some days she tells me she wants to be a singer. Yesterday it was, “No, Mommy, I don’t want to be a singer. I want to be the first woman on Mars!” Other days she wants to be a scientist! Her most common wish? “Maybe I’ll grow up to be a writer just like YOU!”

I have issues with all of the above choices. Singer? Nah. There aren’t too many famous singers out there who haven’t done drugs or been photographed without underwear. An astronaut sounds like it would be a neat idea, but even with advances in technology getting to Mars means she’d be away from me for years. I’d miss her too much. Plus, it’s not like she’d be getting married and having kids in space. Scientist is a noble profession, but not something you can make a lot of money doing unless you become a slave of Big Pharma, essentially selling your soul.

And as to her wish to be a writer like me? Well, it’s 11:27 p.m. right now. I have about four hours of work ahead of me. I work A LOT. Being a freelancer is not what anyone thinks it is. I tend to write and edit way more than 40 hours each week. Most weeks I put in some hours on Sunday and at least two or three late nights. Sure, there are freelance writers who work fewer hours, but they aren’t necessarily making a decent wage. And the alternative — working on staff — isn’t much easier. On the other hand I don’t go into an office all that often, my work is always different, and I can have some flexibility in my day. (Meaning I can take two hours to do Brownies and make those hours up between midnight and 2 a.m.) But is it a life I want for my daughter? I’m not so sure.

No matter what my opinion, in the end it will be Big Girl’s decision. I think I share Tina Fey’s wish for her daughter. I want my daughter to find something that makes her happy but still leaves her time to enjoy life. I don’t think Tina’s suggestions are any better. (Midwives spend their lives at the hospital; architects put in plenty of hours, too.) Anyone have any better ideas?

I thought about my big girl on the drive to the client’s offices. I’ll be honest: My heart ached that I wasn’t able to be there. But this client is one of my favorites. I spend a nice chunk of my time working on what we discussed today. I had to be there. There was no question. But what struck me on that long drive out there was how — when I was growing up — my mom couldn’t even ask the question. There was no question. She was a bank manager. She had to go to work unless she was dying of some illness. (And sometimes she went even when she was dying of illness.)

There was no possibility for her to come to our school events. No dad, either, and all our family lived in the Bronx (and weren’t exactly what you’d call “involved”) so we just didn’t have anyone there with us for special school events. It didn’t stand out to me. I don’t remember being especially sad or upset about it. It was what it was. My mom worked. That was it.

I know lots of working parents who are in the same situation today. They have jobs in the city or do things that don’t make it easy to leave early or take a long lunch. All my friends who are teachers, for example, send their parents to daytime school functions. They can’t take a personal day when they only work 180 days a year. Yet all their kids turn out fine. Maybe better than fine. They realize the importance and value of responsibilities. And they deal with having Grandma or Grandpa there instead of Mom and Dad.

Still, mommy guilt nagged at my soul so on my way home from the meeting I stopped off at a local meat market. They have the best homemade snickerdoodle cookies in the area. I bought two and sat waiting for my big girl when she came off the bus. When I saw her, I folded her into my arms and told her how proud I was that she participated in the spelling bee. And I explained — when she told me she was sad that she didn’t win — that it didn’t matter that she transposed the a and the i in ‘sail.’ (Yes, it seems she cares far more that she got out than that I wasn’t there to see it.) I told her she did a great job no matter what the outcome. And then I gave her the cookies, and that was that. I was definitely more upset about missing the event than she was that I missed it.

Would I have preferred being there over what I did? Sure, but I’m finally finding a little perspective about parenting. We do what we can do and that’s all we can do. And kids survive. They just do. Just like I did. Just like countless others have. After all, there’s very little that a snickerdoodle won’t fix.

What do you remember about school? Did your parents participate often? How does your own experience color your parenting today? I’d like to know.

The first, out of the Society for Research in Child Development, looks at how early childcare affects someone as a teen, linking childcare settings with academic achievement and behavioral issues. The second — out of the National Institute of Mental Health — found that a childcare provider’s behavior affects a child’s stress levels and behavior.

As a mom these studies make me upset. And worried. My kids have always had sitters. Yes, they were usually family members or people from our community who came into my home, but both kids have always been in some type of childcare. After reading the studies I had one pervasive thought: I hope that I made the right decisions when I picked my sitters. (For example, getting rid of the one who told me Big Girl required “too much attention,” when she was only three-months-old, and firing the one who just gave me a bad feeling.)

The first study gave me the biggest problem — and the most hope. It says that teens who spent more hours in early child care (four-and-a-half years and under) reported more risk-taking and greater impulsivity than their peers who spent fewer hours in childcare. It also says that teens who participated in higher-quality programs had fewer behavior problems defined as “rule-breaking, arguing, and hanging out with peers who get in trouble.” Just as important: teens who attended programs with “higher-quality care during early childhood scored higher on tests of cognitive and academic achievement than teens who attended programs with lower-quality care.”

The second study didn’t really apply to me since my daughter was never in a home-run daycare between ages 3 and 4, but it’s still interesting since she did go to preschool five days a week during that time. It says that kids have an increase in cortisol levels when they are placed in a childcare setting that is more rigid than what they experience at home. Too much structure such as learning letters and too little playtime and free time stresses kids out.

I think the take away from both of the studies is simple: Trust your gut when it comes to picking a childcare provider — even if it’s a group setting or at a preschool. I hated the first preschool I tried. Hated it. Hated the teachers, too. I ended up pulling Big Girl out of that program and putting her in a program that certainly wasn’t as fancy or expensive. (It was only a third of the cost of the first program.) But she thrived there. She loved it. (And I liked the moms better, too.)

Were your kids ever in childcare? If so, how did you select the right one for your family?

My older daughter was born when my husband was working a full-time job. He was making a good living. At the time — as a freelance writer — I scaled back a bit. I still worked full-time but I did a lot of work at night and on weekends. As a result I was able to play every day. Three days a week I played from 9 until 1 or 1:30. I’d get to work from the time Big Girl went down for a nap until 6. (I had a sitter from 3:30 until 6 those days.) My mom came Tuesdays and Thursdays. She stayed until Big Girl went down to sleep. On those days I played from 3:30 until 6.

It was a glorious time. My happiest time, really. I had a huge gang of mommy friends. I did playdates and lunches and days at the beach. Yes, I cried sometimes when I left a playdate early so I could get Big Girl in her crib and start my workday, but still, I had it great. I truly, truly had the best of both worlds. And I knew it.

Little Girl was born almost ten months to the day after my husband started his own business. Soon after he got sick, and I became our family’s sole breadwinner. That meant I no longer had the luxury of being a best of both worlds kinda mom. Chris, even when wracked with pain and bleeding from his injury stepped up to be the stay-at-home parent. He took Little Girl to mommy-and-me classes, park playdates and along on errands. He was the one who did all the fun things (and the not-so-fun things) while I, thank goodness, was very, very, VERY busy at work. I worked from 8:30 until 6 every day (still do), and worked at night and on weekends to handle the overflow.

If I tell you that my heart aches when I think of all I’ve missed it still doesn’t begin to convey the loss I have suffered not being with Little Girl during her babyhood. Yes, I did take an hour here, a few hours there to bond with her and take her to a playdate or class once or twice a week. Plus, I’m usually the one who puts her in for her naps and puts her down at night so I can read to her and chat with her about her day. And thankfully I was with her a lot when she was first born — the first six months or so when Chris was bringing home some money. However, it was Chris who cared for her during the day from the time she was about nine-months-old until now. My mom, too. While I know I am blessed that at least one of us was able to be with her during the day, I am still sad since I know what I missed all those months. Thousands of blissful, lazy hours watching her delight in her ever-growing world. The warm embrace of a solid mommy group. The excitement of wondering what new favorite thing we’d discover while out and about.

Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely love my job. It’s wonderful. I have amazing editors and supportive colleagues. I am very lucky that I do what I do and was able to ramp up my output and support my family. Still, next month Little Girl turns two. I have been strangely sad. I have missed her toddlerhood. I can’t bring it back no matter what I do. That said I’m hoping that, as we go into her third year, I will get more time with her because while I can’t capture what was lost I can still revel in what’s to come, right?

There’s been so much made of the mommy wars and whether women should stay home with kids. What was your choice, and did you ever regret your decision?

I still believe that mom was wrong, negligent, and self-centered to bring a constantly coughing two-year-old to a gym class three days before Christmas. Selfish and mean, too. Mean to her kid. Mean to everyone else. Ultimately, though, it was the gym’s owner who should have asked the woman to leave based on the guidelines from the American Academy of Pediatrics and the American Public Health Association that I included in my other post. A child who has an unchecked cough must be excluded from activities with other children. Period. The owner didn’t, so I did what I needed to do to protect my child. I should have told that mother off, as some of my Facebook friends pointed out. But I didn’t. Water under the bridge. That said, if he had a runny nose we wouldn’t be having this dialog. I am not afraid of a runny nose. Only of symptoms that pretty much guarantee the spread of illness: constant sneezing and coughing, open sores, and crusty eyes come to mind.

As for what some are taking as a blanket statement against working moms. Of course, not all working moms are willing to take their sick kids out. However, I think some moms who have their kids in daycare settings are forced — through lack of other options — to bring a semi-sick kid, someone who is contagious, to daycare. Since the kid was already out, it’s not unthinkable that they might not think twice about bringing them out in public. In my opinion, those same moms are also more likely to overlook another kid’s cough. (And again, there are lots and lots of stay-at-homes who fall into these categories, too.)

But what I will add here is that I feel like I can make these statements because I lived them. First as a kid of a single, working mother, then as a working mother. When Big Girl went to preschool, she was in five days a week as a four-year-old. There were days when I would drop her off and see tons of sick kids coughing and sniffling. I would stand in the doorway wishing I could take her home, but knowing I only had 25 hours while she was in preschool to get all my interviewing work done. So I would leave. She would invariably catch that cold. (Thank goodness, stomach bugs were few and far between.) But this is where I differ from some. When she got sick, she would stay home if she was coughing or lethargic even if she didn’t have a fever. Always. Because I remembered being sick at school and how terrible a feeling that was. It was on those days where I would scramble to reschedule phone interviews, beg my mom to come over, beg my husband to take off from work, or let her take long naps.

It’s no wonder she got sick so much. Preschools and daycare facilities, as a friend pointed out, are breeding grounds for germs. Toddlers in daycare — under two years of age and during their first year of childcare — are more likely to get sick than those cared for in an in-home setting. “In children younger than 1 year of age, the first 6 months of daycare attendance were associated with a 69-percent higher incidence of hospital admission for acute respiratory infection compared with children in home care,” according to the study. Another 2002 study found that “Attendance at large day care was associated with more common colds during the preschool years.” (And these more frequent colds do lead to some protection against getting sick when kids become school age, although everyone catches up by age 13, according to the study.) When those kids get sick, what is Mom or Dad supposed to do? Unless the kid has a fever or is puking her brains up, that kid is probably going to daycare. And that parent? She’s probably going to be less crazy about germs. Generalization? Yes, but I think many working parents have to overlook sniffles and snot or they would make themselves crazy with worry.

Which brings us full circle. Here I am making generalizations again, right? Well, if this country had better emergency childcare, paid its workers better wages so one parent could stay home, provided more paid time off for new parents, and valued motherhood and parenting the same way it values fighting wars and bailing out big business, my generalizations might be very different.

Thoughts? Comments? Let’s hear them.

That mom was a working mom, and that may be one of the reasons her kid was out in public with a hacking cough. Before you get upset or think I am bashing working moms, remember I am a working mom, too. I just have the benefit of in-home childcare. When my kids get sick, I take care of them or have my mom or husband here. That mom? I would bet anything that that mom brings her kid to a daycare center. She’s probably used to lots of drippy nosed, coughing little kids being around her kid, so she had no problem whatsoever exposing my little girl to her kid’s germs. It’s how she survives. If working moms had to stay home every time their kids got sick they would never get to go to work. They would be home all the time. And I am not saying anything negative about having your child in daycare, or choosing one daycare option over another. But back to my kid and that Typhoid Mark (or whatever his name is).

Lady, I get the fact that you can’t keep your kid home from daycare when he is sick. I do. I work full-time, too, but I can make my own hours. Most of these blog posts and probably 75 percent of my paid writing is done between the hours of midnight and 3 a.m. You probably have a job that you need to be at, hence the kid in daycare issue. Trust me, I thank God every day that I don’t have that problem. But you can keep your kid home from an optional event like a class, playdate or family gathering without getting in trouble with your boss. And just to reiterate: It’s not just working moms who are guilty of this type of indiscretion. I’ve heard SAHMs say that yes, they should have stayed home from this event or that one, but they just couldn’t STAND to be home with their kid another minute. That they needed to get out, and it was really just a little sniffle anyway.

Well, whether you’re a SAHM or a working mom: If your kid has green boogies flowing out her nose, and she can’t stop coughing, she should be home. Sorry, I don’t care if you’re going stir crazy or you don’t feel like dealing with a sad, disappointed kid. Take her to a park. Take her for a walk. Bring her somewhere that she can’t infect someone else. Keep her away from my kid.

Not sure if you should keep your kid home? Here are some common sense guidelines. Pass them along to the mom or dad you know who has none (common sense, that is). These come to you courtesy of the American Academy of Pediatrics and the American Public Health Association, which jointly published national illness exclusion guidelines in 1992, revising them in 2002. Kids should be free of these symptoms for a full 24 hours before mixing with other kids or until a doctor gives the okay.

• Fever over 100.5 Fahrenheit; children must be fever-free for a full 24 hours.
• Persistent diarrhea. (Meaning one or more loose stools and you should keep ‘em at home.)
• Two or more episodes of vomiting
• Any rash that has “open, weeping wounds.”
• Pink or red conjunctiva with white or yellow eye discharge, often with matted eyelids after sleep.
• Persistent, uncontrolled cough
• Lethargy that is more than expected tiredness
• Inexplicable irritability or persistent crying
• Difficult breathing
• Wheezing
• Mouth sores with drooling

How do you deal with sick kids? Have you ever brought your sick kid somewhere that you shouldn’t have? What do you think of moms and dads who show such blatant disregard for other families? Enter the fray, people. Don’t be afraid…