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Time Marching On

Little Girl inside my tummy. May, 2008. Sigh.

Last night I went to spin class and the woman spinning next to me was pregnant. It took me back three years ago when I was that person making sure I was drinking enough and feeling my baby kick to the beat. (Big Girl used to sleep in my belly during the classes. Little Girl was awake and dancing, I think!)

Little things like that remind me how much I love being a mom, and how much I would love to be a mom of three. In fact, it’s times like those that I sometimes feel a visceral pull on my heart. Normally, I love my family, and wouldn’t change a thing, but every once in a while my heart reminds me about how much I’d like to have one more child. As crazy as my life is, as busy as we are, I know I could handle a third.

Sure, I am aware of the fact that I am not an easy pregnant person, and that I have medical issues that might make a third pregnancy dangerous. I don’t even know if I could conceive and carry a third, but the desire is there.

My husband is set, though. He loves having two kids. He’s not interested at all in having a third. As much as I try and tell him how much fun it was/is being one of three, and how maybe this time he’d get a boy, he doesn’t care. He loves having daughters, he says, and as an only child he’s often overwhelmed by the noise and confusion that two children bring. Not even the prospect of going to Islanders games or having a little second mate on our boat are enough to sway him. His girls will go to hockey games with him, he says. His girls will learn to drive the boat.

Sometimes I lie in bed and think about the baby that I lost through a late miscarriage. I think about how he or she would be in the last year of preschool. I wonder if I would be having the same regrets or desire for another if that child had been born. Maybe this is all hormonal — not real. But right now at this time in this place it feels very, very real.

Are you happy with your family size? I’d love to hear about it.

One Response to “Time Marching On”

  1. Rachel P. says:

    I’m sad for your sake that you have an unfulfilled desire to have another child. I have three (two boys, one girl) and would like to have another one. If I did not have another child my husband would possibly be content, but I think I might struggle with the fact that I was done having children. Since having each of my babies, I have found what an amazing experience it is to be a mother and I would be grieved if I came to the point where I could not have more.

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